I have taken a few weeks off from writing this blog becuase the next subject I am about to discuss is very tough. My husband and I moved to Wisconsin in 2007 and I took a job as a sexual assault victim coordinator. My masters degree in social work came in very handy with this position because not only was I advocating for the victims, teaching classes in middle schools, but I was also counseling victims. I took a total of about 100 hours of training through the Wisconsin Department of Justice and filled up the book shelves in my office with reading material on working with sexual assault and abuse victims. The information I am providing in this blog is from the Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault. I am also going to revisit the idea of boundaries in this blog because it is so important and we need to make sure our children know how to set them and speak up when something happens to them. Unfortunately, many children do not speak up and the abuse is very often never spoken about.
According to the Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault (WCASA) sexual violence is an issue that can affect everyone regardless of race, gender, age, class, ethnicity or sexual orientation. Even further, WCASA illustrates in statewide studies that coincide with national statistics that one in four women and one in six men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. This means that not only does this have a possibility of affecting many different people, but whether we know it or not it has impacted our life or the life of someone we know.
Nevertheless, we can all make a difference by deciding to be a part of the movement to end sexual violence by taking the time to learn, speak up and support a victim.
WCASA holds trainings across the state for not only sexual assault victim service coordinators, but any interested person wishing to learn more about sexual assault and the affects it has on victims. Unfortunately, there may not be time in everyone’s life to just drop everything and go to a conference. Still, there are several important definitions, statistics and facts that can go a long way toward understanding sexual assault.
First, the Family Support Center
Sexual abuse of children occurs when he or she is manipulated, forced or tricked into sexual relations. This includes touching, intercourse and looking at inappropriate material. However, it is important to note that no one under the age of 18 can consent to sexual intercourse, as that term is defined by law.
Children are usually groomed in stages by the offender and made to believe that what they are doing is normal and that it should be kept a secret. The stages of grooming are different for every offender, but in general it involves making the child feel safe with touching. For the purpose of consistency the abuse noted will be labeled as sexual assault and abuse for the remainder of this article. As mentioned, there are also some important statistics and facts that can assist us in understanding sexual assault.
When we turn on our televisions and watch the plethora of cops and robbers shows that are available, we are led to believe that sexual assault and abuse occurs when the bad guy jumps out of the bushes. This is a myth. In fact, in Wisconsin
Also, sexual assault and abuse usually happen in the victim’s or offender’s home. We tend to let our guard down when we feel safe. Another big myth that is promulgated in the many cops and robbers shows is that it is impossible to sexually assault or abuse someone against their will because he or she could have fought back or ran away. If there are no bruises or injuries, there was no assault. The fact is that many victims of sexual assault and abuse freeze. This is a human’s natural response to this type of trauma. As a result, there may be no bruising or injuries. It is also very important to realize that we must educate our children about sexual assault because 78% of sexual assault and abuse victims are under the age of 18 years. Unfortunately, once a victim has been assaulted or abused they are more likely to be assaulted or abused again in their lifetime.
Finally, one of the most mind boggling statistic shows that 83-95% of developmentally disabled people are sexually assaulted or abused in their lifetime. Again, sexual assault and abuse is an act of violence and it can happen to anyone. All of these definitions, statistics and facts and more can be found in the Family Support Center
It can be very hard to speak up about something that we know deep down in our gut is wrong. Maybe we do not want to rock the boat or we do not want to go against the grain. However, it has to start with each and every one of us. We must all make a conscious decision to speak up for someone we feel is being sexually assaulted or abused. First and foremost, it is about communicating our own boundaries.
According to Mike S. O’Neal and Charles E. Newbold in their workbook, Boundary Power: How I treat you, how I let you treat me and how I treat myself, there are five different kinds of boundaries: relational, spiritual, physical, sexual and emotional. What is appropriate for someone to say to us and how will we react? Who will we let touch us? When and with whom do we want to have sex with? These are just a few questions that we can ask ourselves in order to speak up for ourselves.
Learning boundaries can help us in many different aspects and in many different relationships in our lives. Also, children will mirror their role models or parents when they see healthy boundaries being enforced. Still, we must also speak up for those that may not be capable of doing it for themselves at the time.
It is very important to speak up and confront certain people or situations head on. For example, if you are out having a few drinks with a friend and he or she seems to be too intoxicated to make a clear headed decision about having sex it might be good to intervene and grab some coffee or some food instead. Plus, there is now a Wisconsin state law that holds people accountable for having sex with someone that is under the influence of alcohol and is intoxicated to a degree that renders the victim incapable of giving consent.
It is important to speak up in situations that we feel are wrong. According to WCASA it could be as easy as saying, “that’s inappropriate.” As a parent, it is also very important to know where your kids are spending their time. If they are always down the street at the neighbor’s house or taking a drive with their coach it is important to make sure your children are safe by asking questions.
These questions should always be followed up with education. Also, if you suspect a child is being sexually abused you can also make an anonymous call to the local police department. The most important thing that we can do is educate our children about sexual assault and abuse.
Educating children involves having age appropriate conversations about sex.
According to Debra W. Haffner in her book, From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children from Infancy to Middle School, it is very important for parents to educate their children about sexual health. She believes that this involves much more than just the “big talk,” but also involves finding teachable moments throughout a child’s development. Her book describes what to expect at each stage in life and what is helpful to say and do.
It is also important to explain to your children nurturing or appropriate touches and exploitative or inappropriate touches and tell them that if anyone ever touches them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable then they are to tell immediately. Never keep it a secret no matter what!
Finally, tell them that sexual assault and abuse is never their fault and that we will believe them if they tell us something has happened. Prevention education is very important, but there are victims, so it is also important to learn how to support someone that has been sexually assaulted or abused.
As noted earlier, it is very important to tell victims that we believe them and that the assault or abuse was not their fault. WCASA believes those should be the two statements that are said right away. This should be followed with a great deal of listening. When a victim is ready to talk about the experience it is very important that they have someone that will just listen and not judge. This is very important! Do not ask him or her tons of probing questions or make them feel bad about or judged about the choices he or she has made. Instead, just listen to them.
When he or she has finished talking make them feel supported by telling him or her that you will support them by assisting them in exploring their options. Again, if it is a minor under the age of 18 it is very important that they are immediately directed to someone they feel safe talking with that can report the abuse to the local authorities. We are not keeping them safe by not telling someone about the abuse.
According to the law, an adult over the age of 18 can make their own decision as to whether or not he or she wants to report the sexual assault and abuse. Do not pressure them to make a decision. They have had control and power over their life stolen and he or she needs to be empowered to make his or her own decisions. This is an important lesson to learn because we all want sexual assault and abuse to be reported.
Again, we must empower survivors to make their own choices regarding his or her road to recovery. In addition, it is also very important to recognize our own past and realize that something that is said could trigger a memory or a feeling from our past. Getting counseling is very important when we are ready. It is also very important to understand the affects of sexual assault and abuse on victims in order to support them.
Survivors of sexual assault and abuse react in many different ways. Each victim will have different symptoms and will deal with it differently. However, WCASA information indicates that many victims report feeling a loss of control over their life, shock or disbelief, fear, have difficulty concentrating or they may go through a period of denial. There is no “right way” to heal from sexual assault and abuse and everyone has their own unique process.
Many victims might have anger, guilt, self-blame, thoughts of suicide, loss of trust, shame, embarrassment, depression, flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety or low self-esteem. Many victims also isolate themselves from the rest of the world and experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD due to the trauma of being assaulted or abused.
Unfortunately, many victims deal with the assault or abuse by abusing drugs or alcohol, developing eating disorders, self harm such as cutting or burning the body, outbursts of anger and for many minors juvenile delinquency such as stealing or other crimes that can lead to more severe issues as adults. It is important for victims to deal with the abuse and find healthy ways to cope.
It is time for us all to learn, speak up and support victims of sexual assault and abuse. WCASA believes that we must “adjust our reactions” and be a part of the movement to end sexual violence. It is up to each of us to make the decision each and every day to be a part of this movement. Unfortunately, one in four women and one in six men will continue to be victims until we do make that change.
