Friday, December 13, 2013
Living Life in Gratitude
I have taken some time off from the blog to be a new mom. I decided to start writing again as the New Year is about to begin, and I wanted to share a revelation that I have had about the river of life for my first blog. First, I would like to explain this river. It has many big rocks, hole, eddies and lines.
My husband and I had the opportunity to take up white water kayaking and joined a group back in our home state of West Virginia. This is where I learned about the flow of the river. I learned how to read the flow and stay away from the big holes and rocks, how to catch an eddy and follow the line of the river. A hole in the river represents an area where the water is going upstream. There is some type of obstruction that is usually a rock that is right below the surface. The water pours over the rock and creates a recirculation of the water. An eddy is also behind a rock or in a bend in the river that also goes up stream, but is calm and serves as a place to rest. The line is something a seasoned kayaker can find through careful observation. It is the path to take through a rapid. In the beginning, I found myself rolling over in a rapid. I would roll over and pull at my skirt and pop out of the kayak and swim down river while holding on to my kayak and paddle. However, I gradually learned to roll up in my kayak by practicing in a pool and then the river. Many kayakers that take a season off find that they have to continue to practice or they will forget easily. My husband and I kayaked with this group as much as we could for several years. It was a very peaceful time in our lives because we were living our lives in gratitude without even really knowing it.
Fast forward two years, and I am now living in North Carolina. My husband received a promotion and in a blink of an eye we were settling into our new home in Johnston County, and I was starting my new job as the executive director of the Johnston Health Foundation. Within four months, I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t be happier, right? The river of life was beginning to flow faster, and my kayak was rolling over in some holes and crashing into a few rocks. I can blame it on the hormones of pregnancy, or I can blame it on forgetting to practice my kayak roll. I definitely felt like I was floating down the river without a paddle or even a boat for that matter. I decided to catch an eddy and rest and figure out where the line was in the river. Through reflection, I realized that my outlook on life affected my entire reality. Kayaking had been an outlet that helped me accept the changes and stresses in life. It taught me about the true beauty and power of living in the moment and that if I could navigate the river and take on that challenge, I could get through anything. However, my final realization hit home. I realized that I was naturally living life in gratitude as a kayaker and that a physical and challenging endeavor is my key to balance. I needed to find a way to get it back.
My husband and I had also taken up running several years ago and ran in two half marathons. I decided to take on the challenge of running while competing with my past running times and distances. There is something about doing a sport or an activity that pushes me beyond my prior notions of my capabilities. It reminds me of how strong I am, how simple life can be and that I am very fortunate to have had many opportunities in life.
We each need to take time and really look at our lives and how lucky we really are. When we live life in gratitude, our lives can feel simple and meaningful. Our connections with others will deepen and there even seems to be more time in the day to get things done. We all want to give back to our communities and make a difference. If we live life in gratitude, we can give back even more. Take some time this year to find that outlet that reminds you to live life more simply and with gratitude. You certainly won’t be sorry.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Sexual Violence
I have taken a few weeks off from writing this blog becuase the next subject I am about to discuss is very tough. My husband and I moved to Wisconsin in 2007 and I took a job as a sexual assault victim coordinator. My masters degree in social work came in very handy with this position because not only was I advocating for the victims, teaching classes in middle schools, but I was also counseling victims. I took a total of about 100 hours of training through the Wisconsin Department of Justice and filled up the book shelves in my office with reading material on working with sexual assault and abuse victims. The information I am providing in this blog is from the Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault. I am also going to revisit the idea of boundaries in this blog because it is so important and we need to make sure our children know how to set them and speak up when something happens to them. Unfortunately, many children do not speak up and the abuse is very often never spoken about.
According to the Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault (WCASA) sexual violence is an issue that can affect everyone regardless of race, gender, age, class, ethnicity or sexual orientation. Even further, WCASA illustrates in statewide studies that coincide with national statistics that one in four women and one in six men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. This means that not only does this have a possibility of affecting many different people, but whether we know it or not it has impacted our life or the life of someone we know.
Nevertheless, we can all make a difference by deciding to be a part of the movement to end sexual violence by taking the time to learn, speak up and support a victim.
WCASA holds trainings across the state for not only sexual assault victim service coordinators, but any interested person wishing to learn more about sexual assault and the affects it has on victims. Unfortunately, there may not be time in everyone’s life to just drop everything and go to a conference. Still, there are several important definitions, statistics and facts that can go a long way toward understanding sexual assault.
First, the Family Support Center
Sexual abuse of children occurs when he or she is manipulated, forced or tricked into sexual relations. This includes touching, intercourse and looking at inappropriate material. However, it is important to note that no one under the age of 18 can consent to sexual intercourse, as that term is defined by law.
Children are usually groomed in stages by the offender and made to believe that what they are doing is normal and that it should be kept a secret. The stages of grooming are different for every offender, but in general it involves making the child feel safe with touching. For the purpose of consistency the abuse noted will be labeled as sexual assault and abuse for the remainder of this article. As mentioned, there are also some important statistics and facts that can assist us in understanding sexual assault.
When we turn on our televisions and watch the plethora of cops and robbers shows that are available, we are led to believe that sexual assault and abuse occurs when the bad guy jumps out of the bushes. This is a myth. In fact, in Wisconsin
Also, sexual assault and abuse usually happen in the victim’s or offender’s home. We tend to let our guard down when we feel safe. Another big myth that is promulgated in the many cops and robbers shows is that it is impossible to sexually assault or abuse someone against their will because he or she could have fought back or ran away. If there are no bruises or injuries, there was no assault. The fact is that many victims of sexual assault and abuse freeze. This is a human’s natural response to this type of trauma. As a result, there may be no bruising or injuries. It is also very important to realize that we must educate our children about sexual assault because 78% of sexual assault and abuse victims are under the age of 18 years. Unfortunately, once a victim has been assaulted or abused they are more likely to be assaulted or abused again in their lifetime.
Finally, one of the most mind boggling statistic shows that 83-95% of developmentally disabled people are sexually assaulted or abused in their lifetime. Again, sexual assault and abuse is an act of violence and it can happen to anyone. All of these definitions, statistics and facts and more can be found in the Family Support Center
It can be very hard to speak up about something that we know deep down in our gut is wrong. Maybe we do not want to rock the boat or we do not want to go against the grain. However, it has to start with each and every one of us. We must all make a conscious decision to speak up for someone we feel is being sexually assaulted or abused. First and foremost, it is about communicating our own boundaries.
According to Mike S. O’Neal and Charles E. Newbold in their workbook, Boundary Power: How I treat you, how I let you treat me and how I treat myself, there are five different kinds of boundaries: relational, spiritual, physical, sexual and emotional. What is appropriate for someone to say to us and how will we react? Who will we let touch us? When and with whom do we want to have sex with? These are just a few questions that we can ask ourselves in order to speak up for ourselves.
Learning boundaries can help us in many different aspects and in many different relationships in our lives. Also, children will mirror their role models or parents when they see healthy boundaries being enforced. Still, we must also speak up for those that may not be capable of doing it for themselves at the time.
It is very important to speak up and confront certain people or situations head on. For example, if you are out having a few drinks with a friend and he or she seems to be too intoxicated to make a clear headed decision about having sex it might be good to intervene and grab some coffee or some food instead. Plus, there is now a Wisconsin state law that holds people accountable for having sex with someone that is under the influence of alcohol and is intoxicated to a degree that renders the victim incapable of giving consent.
It is important to speak up in situations that we feel are wrong. According to WCASA it could be as easy as saying, “that’s inappropriate.” As a parent, it is also very important to know where your kids are spending their time. If they are always down the street at the neighbor’s house or taking a drive with their coach it is important to make sure your children are safe by asking questions.
These questions should always be followed up with education. Also, if you suspect a child is being sexually abused you can also make an anonymous call to the local police department. The most important thing that we can do is educate our children about sexual assault and abuse.
Educating children involves having age appropriate conversations about sex.
According to Debra W. Haffner in her book, From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children from Infancy to Middle School, it is very important for parents to educate their children about sexual health. She believes that this involves much more than just the “big talk,” but also involves finding teachable moments throughout a child’s development. Her book describes what to expect at each stage in life and what is helpful to say and do.
It is also important to explain to your children nurturing or appropriate touches and exploitative or inappropriate touches and tell them that if anyone ever touches them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable then they are to tell immediately. Never keep it a secret no matter what!
Finally, tell them that sexual assault and abuse is never their fault and that we will believe them if they tell us something has happened. Prevention education is very important, but there are victims, so it is also important to learn how to support someone that has been sexually assaulted or abused.
As noted earlier, it is very important to tell victims that we believe them and that the assault or abuse was not their fault. WCASA believes those should be the two statements that are said right away. This should be followed with a great deal of listening. When a victim is ready to talk about the experience it is very important that they have someone that will just listen and not judge. This is very important! Do not ask him or her tons of probing questions or make them feel bad about or judged about the choices he or she has made. Instead, just listen to them.
When he or she has finished talking make them feel supported by telling him or her that you will support them by assisting them in exploring their options. Again, if it is a minor under the age of 18 it is very important that they are immediately directed to someone they feel safe talking with that can report the abuse to the local authorities. We are not keeping them safe by not telling someone about the abuse.
According to the law, an adult over the age of 18 can make their own decision as to whether or not he or she wants to report the sexual assault and abuse. Do not pressure them to make a decision. They have had control and power over their life stolen and he or she needs to be empowered to make his or her own decisions. This is an important lesson to learn because we all want sexual assault and abuse to be reported.
Again, we must empower survivors to make their own choices regarding his or her road to recovery. In addition, it is also very important to recognize our own past and realize that something that is said could trigger a memory or a feeling from our past. Getting counseling is very important when we are ready. It is also very important to understand the affects of sexual assault and abuse on victims in order to support them.
Survivors of sexual assault and abuse react in many different ways. Each victim will have different symptoms and will deal with it differently. However, WCASA information indicates that many victims report feeling a loss of control over their life, shock or disbelief, fear, have difficulty concentrating or they may go through a period of denial. There is no “right way” to heal from sexual assault and abuse and everyone has their own unique process.
Many victims might have anger, guilt, self-blame, thoughts of suicide, loss of trust, shame, embarrassment, depression, flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety or low self-esteem. Many victims also isolate themselves from the rest of the world and experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD due to the trauma of being assaulted or abused.
Unfortunately, many victims deal with the assault or abuse by abusing drugs or alcohol, developing eating disorders, self harm such as cutting or burning the body, outbursts of anger and for many minors juvenile delinquency such as stealing or other crimes that can lead to more severe issues as adults. It is important for victims to deal with the abuse and find healthy ways to cope.
It is time for us all to learn, speak up and support victims of sexual assault and abuse. WCASA believes that we must “adjust our reactions” and be a part of the movement to end sexual violence. It is up to each of us to make the decision each and every day to be a part of this movement. Unfortunately, one in four women and one in six men will continue to be victims until we do make that change.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Body Image
At a recent event, I spoke with a woman who read one of my blogs and she said to me that one thing I wrote had really hit home for her as she raises a daughter. She said to me that girls allow their value to be established by their relationships with boys. We both talked about why this could be and it reminded me of my senior thesis in college.
I got my undergraduate degree in communication. I wrote for my college newspaper, The Sundial, and I was the edior of the sports section for two years. I enjoyed learning about producing media, but I also had a keen interest in critically reading the messages that we are bombarded with each and everyday of our lives.
For my thesis, I decided to survey athletes about a popular women's sports and fitness magazine and if these images of skinny women were impacting these strong and fit athletes in any way. Even further, I wondered how many of them had eating disorders. This blog is not going to be just about eating disorders because eating disorders can also occur for various reasons. There is a theme that when one can't control their environment, an eating disorder gives one back that control.
I wanted to know why women were so obsessed with their bodies. The biggest reason why I wanted to know is because I have always been obsessed with figuring out my own. In fact, during my sophomore year in college, I had an eating disorder. I was bulimic. There is anorexia nervosa. This means that someone does not eat enough and there is bulimia. This is someone that binges and purges. I felt out of control in college for several reasons, which I will probably get into in a later blog. However, once I lost that control, I became obsessed with the way I looked. I do not think this just started in college though. I think it was something that slowly became apparent, and I think a lot of it has to do with the images that are imposed on our young girls each and everyday. I found in my research that there is a lot of work that goes into those images and many of those women are even stretched to appear taller and thinner or touched up, so even the women we see in magazines are not perfect enough. Even though I could critically read the magazine and the other athletes that I surveyed could also do that, many of them were still affected by the images. How can we not be affected by the images?
Here's the catch, in an article by Dr. Mary Rooney of the Child Mind Institute, she says, "When things are kept at a superficial level - the more time they spend shopping, or making themselves attractive, or talking about who's dating who the less time they spend engaged in activities that would actually make them develop positive core values and a positive sense of self." She and others have developed programs to help girls to stop looking for validation from outside sources like boys and instead find their own inner voice.
http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2012-9-25-girls-healthy-self-esteem-confidence-body-image
Let's not forget about peer pressure and puberty. All of these issues combined is the reason why we need to turn off our televisions and put down the magazines and get outside. That same woman I had a conversation with, posted pictures of a hiking trip that her entire family had taken a few days ago. Her daughter posed for a picture on a mountain top that she had just climbed up. That reminds me of those times when I have felt most like myself and the most in the moment. Those times are when I have been playing or engaging in some type of a sport or while I was surrounded by nature.
In a recent World of Psychology article by Dr. Carolyn Coker Ross, she says that currently 80% of women in the US are dissatified with their appearance and more than 10 million are suffering from eating disorders. She discusses in the article, that the once vulumptuous Marilyn Monroe was replaced with the boyishly thin look that has become known has the western culture look. This look has enforced a belief that full figured women are self indulgent and unhealthy. Below is some additional information sited in the article:
1) Turn off the television and do not buy fashion magazines! Read books on a subject you enjoy while sitting outside on your porch, play a board game with your family, go for a hike, plan a trip to the museum, plan meals for the week and go food shopping, cook, take your dog for a walk etc.
2) Point out to your daughter when a body type is not realistic. Make sure she knows that genetics play a large role in the shape and size of a body.
3) Do not let her life revolve around boys and going to the shopping mall. Make sure she is engaged in outside activities, sports, theater productions, camps, classes etc. Keep her busy as a bee.
4) Cook healthy meals and eat dinner every night at the table. Teach your daugther that eating healthy can make her feel good inside and out.
5) Debunk images when you see them with your daughter. Ask her if the image seems real and then show her something that is real.
6) Seek counseling for your daughter or yourself if you have an eating disorder. Explore all of the issues that can cause an eating disorder. You must educate yourself on the topic and find healthy ways to cope.
7) Have conversations with your daugther about core values. Help her identify what her core values are and how she can use them to express herself and let the outside world affect her.
8) Join a support group or talk to other women about your feelings related to your body. You are not alone.
9) Exercise three to four times a week. Exercise increases endorphines and makes you feel better. Start out by walking around the block. Do not make the exercise about losing weight. Make the exercise about becoming healthy in your mind.
10) Surround yourself with positive people that are not "negative nancies." If you find yourself surrounded by women that complain about their bodies or are trying to achieve this goal of the perfect body, how can you ever feel better about yourelf?
11) Remember that you are not alone and that you can't totally tune out the images and accept that you will be affected by what you see. However, take back your power and create your own reality. Volunteer at a local Boys & Girls Club or Girl Scout program and get involved in helping others debunk the images too. Your body type is your own and there is nobody else out there like you. Celebrate the differences!
I got my undergraduate degree in communication. I wrote for my college newspaper, The Sundial, and I was the edior of the sports section for two years. I enjoyed learning about producing media, but I also had a keen interest in critically reading the messages that we are bombarded with each and everyday of our lives.
For my thesis, I decided to survey athletes about a popular women's sports and fitness magazine and if these images of skinny women were impacting these strong and fit athletes in any way. Even further, I wondered how many of them had eating disorders. This blog is not going to be just about eating disorders because eating disorders can also occur for various reasons. There is a theme that when one can't control their environment, an eating disorder gives one back that control.
I wanted to know why women were so obsessed with their bodies. The biggest reason why I wanted to know is because I have always been obsessed with figuring out my own. In fact, during my sophomore year in college, I had an eating disorder. I was bulimic. There is anorexia nervosa. This means that someone does not eat enough and there is bulimia. This is someone that binges and purges. I felt out of control in college for several reasons, which I will probably get into in a later blog. However, once I lost that control, I became obsessed with the way I looked. I do not think this just started in college though. I think it was something that slowly became apparent, and I think a lot of it has to do with the images that are imposed on our young girls each and everyday. I found in my research that there is a lot of work that goes into those images and many of those women are even stretched to appear taller and thinner or touched up, so even the women we see in magazines are not perfect enough. Even though I could critically read the magazine and the other athletes that I surveyed could also do that, many of them were still affected by the images. How can we not be affected by the images?
Here's the catch, in an article by Dr. Mary Rooney of the Child Mind Institute, she says, "When things are kept at a superficial level - the more time they spend shopping, or making themselves attractive, or talking about who's dating who the less time they spend engaged in activities that would actually make them develop positive core values and a positive sense of self." She and others have developed programs to help girls to stop looking for validation from outside sources like boys and instead find their own inner voice.
http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2012-9-25-girls-healthy-self-esteem-confidence-body-image
Let's not forget about peer pressure and puberty. All of these issues combined is the reason why we need to turn off our televisions and put down the magazines and get outside. That same woman I had a conversation with, posted pictures of a hiking trip that her entire family had taken a few days ago. Her daughter posed for a picture on a mountain top that she had just climbed up. That reminds me of those times when I have felt most like myself and the most in the moment. Those times are when I have been playing or engaging in some type of a sport or while I was surrounded by nature.
In a recent World of Psychology article by Dr. Carolyn Coker Ross, she says that currently 80% of women in the US are dissatified with their appearance and more than 10 million are suffering from eating disorders. She discusses in the article, that the once vulumptuous Marilyn Monroe was replaced with the boyishly thin look that has become known has the western culture look. This look has enforced a belief that full figured women are self indulgent and unhealthy. Below is some additional information sited in the article:
- According to the National Eating Disorders Association, 42 percent of first- to third-grade girls want to lose weight, and 81 percent of 10-year-olds are afraid of being fat.
- According to a study in Pediatrics, about two-thirds of girls in the 5th to 12th grades said that magazine images influence their vision of an ideal body, and about half of the girls said the images made them want to lose weight.
- By adolescence, studies show that young people are receiving an estimated 5,260 “attractiveness messages” per year from network television commercials alone.
- According to Teen magazine, 35 percent of girls ages 6 to 12 have been on at least one diet, and 50 to 70 percent of normal-weight girls think they are overweight. http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/02/why-do-women-hate-their-bodies/
1) Turn off the television and do not buy fashion magazines! Read books on a subject you enjoy while sitting outside on your porch, play a board game with your family, go for a hike, plan a trip to the museum, plan meals for the week and go food shopping, cook, take your dog for a walk etc.
2) Point out to your daughter when a body type is not realistic. Make sure she knows that genetics play a large role in the shape and size of a body.
3) Do not let her life revolve around boys and going to the shopping mall. Make sure she is engaged in outside activities, sports, theater productions, camps, classes etc. Keep her busy as a bee.
4) Cook healthy meals and eat dinner every night at the table. Teach your daugther that eating healthy can make her feel good inside and out.
5) Debunk images when you see them with your daughter. Ask her if the image seems real and then show her something that is real.
6) Seek counseling for your daughter or yourself if you have an eating disorder. Explore all of the issues that can cause an eating disorder. You must educate yourself on the topic and find healthy ways to cope.
7) Have conversations with your daugther about core values. Help her identify what her core values are and how she can use them to express herself and let the outside world affect her.
8) Join a support group or talk to other women about your feelings related to your body. You are not alone.
9) Exercise three to four times a week. Exercise increases endorphines and makes you feel better. Start out by walking around the block. Do not make the exercise about losing weight. Make the exercise about becoming healthy in your mind.
10) Surround yourself with positive people that are not "negative nancies." If you find yourself surrounded by women that complain about their bodies or are trying to achieve this goal of the perfect body, how can you ever feel better about yourelf?
11) Remember that you are not alone and that you can't totally tune out the images and accept that you will be affected by what you see. However, take back your power and create your own reality. Volunteer at a local Boys & Girls Club or Girl Scout program and get involved in helping others debunk the images too. Your body type is your own and there is nobody else out there like you. Celebrate the differences!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Nontraditional Jobs for Women
My first job after I received my masters degree in social work and public administration was the executive director of the West Virginia Women's Commission. I read, researched and studied a great deal about the issues facing women in the state of West Virginia. The Institute for Women's Policy Research compiles information for each state regarding political participation, violence against women, employment and earnings, social and economic autonomy and health and wellbeing. WV fell at the bottom in most of the categories compared to other states. A common theme seemed to keep appearing for me. The more education or training a woman receives the greater the chances that she will lead a healthy and productive life. However, it goes back to the end of the pyramid. It goes back to basic needs. Many women, not just in WV, but other states take on traditional roles and traditional jobs. These are typically in the service industry. Many of these women do not have the means to leave an abusive relationship or take care of their families on their own because they are not making enough money. In fact, WV got an F in employment and earnings and an F in social and economic autonomy. This also means women are the least likely to vote, less likely to work as professionals or managers and have lowest levels of educational attainment in the country.
This also brings me back to my first blog about engaging girls in STEM programs, which stands for science, technology, engineering and math. As mentioned in an earlier blog, many girls start to lose interest in math and science about the age of 12. At that point, make-up, gossip and boys become more important. Continuing to engage girls in these types of programs are very important. For example, The Girl Scouts have launched STEM programs all over the United States and are incorporating these types of activities into their curriculum.
While I was at the Boys & Girls Club, I developed a summer program that incorporated field trips to science museums, guest speakers and various other activities. My favorite day entailed having a full day of STEM activities. I had contacted West Virginia University regarding a program they had put together for girls in another part of the state and they came to us. The children were exposed to geology in an outdoor activity, they learned about robots and engineering while being entertained by a real robot and engaged in many other activities to stimulate their minds. I will never forget what one of the Club kids said to me that day. It was just after the day was wrapping up. The girl that approached me was from a struggling family that appreciated the Club and the support that we could provide to two very hard working parents. Neither of her parents had gone to college. She came up to me and told me how much she enjoyed the day and that when she grew up that she wanted to be an engineer. The whole day was worth that one comment.
I would like to map out two different lives for her. Let's say that she never was exposed to any type of STEM activities because studies show women are encouraged to take on traditional roles in and out of the home. She takes a job making $20,000 a year and gets married at the age of 21. She immediately has two children. Her husband leaves her and the children. How will she make it? Will she work two or three jobs or go from relationship to relationship trying to find someone to help take care of her and the children? The second life involves her going to a community college for the first two years of school and applies and is accepted to a four year university. She graduates with an engineering degree and finds a job out of college. She meets her husband at a conference and they have two children around the age of 30. Which situation sounds better to you?
Another opportunity I had to influence young women, was at a workshop that I created and implemented in southern WV while at the WV Women's Commission. I chose southern WV because there is a great deal of poverty, unemployment and service jobs in that region. Many of these young girls were not thinking of continuing education or paying bills, but marriage and babies. I brought in many vendors and guest speakers to introduce them to jobs where they could make more money and have a promising career with advancement potential. There were vendors from truck driver schools to chemical engineering companies. I had a speaker talk about how she lost her husband in her early 20's and how she had to learn how to take care of herself. She had no idea that life would throw her a curve ball and she realized that she needed to make sure that she could always take care of herself.
Women in nontraditional jobs are faced with many obstacles and many of them have to do with how they are accepted in those roles. There is sexual harassment in the work place as well as many not accepting women, and that includes other women, in these roles. Women need to have access to classes and counselors on how to deal with this type of environment in order to prepare them for what could be.
My sister-in-law is a petroleum engineer. She started out in the field and found that she was the only woman on site for many jobs. Not only that, but she was the boss. She got push back at times, but she has a very thick skin. She stood her ground and to this day during meetings with a table full of men, she will stand up for what is right for her profession. She is smart and she is good at her job. She supports herself, owns her own home, travels with friends to exotic places and has a great boyfriend. She got all of this by getting an education and advancing quickly up the ladder in a field that is dominated by men. She will always be able to take care of herself and she really enjoys her work. Why would we not want that for our daughters and mothers?
Below is a great link to information and statistics on nontraditional jobs and how there are very few women in these types of careers.
http://www.wowonline.org/documents/Whatisanontraditionaljob_002.pdf
Alison's 11 Ways to Find a Nontraditional Job
1) Visit the local community college and find out about their two year programs. Many community colleges partner with the businesses in the area to help provide the skills that company needs.
2) Expose your daughter to STEM activities. Below is a link to the program the Girl Scouts implement. http://www.wowonline.org/documents/Whatisanontraditionaljob_002.pdf
3) Research four year colleges in your area and visit the campus. Explore financial aid and scholarship opportunities while visiting. There are trained people there that can help walk you through the process.
4) You are never too advanced in age to step out of your box and change your life. Many women go back to school at various stages in life. While visiting a campus ask about nontraditional student support or the possibility of meeting others that are going back to school later in life. There are night classes, online classes, and many other ways to go to school and work.
5) Make sure you are involved with the finances in your home. You need to be educated on what bills are coming and going. Take an active role and be a true partner to your significant other.
6) When your daughter is in high school, start talking about what it means to pay bills. Have her get a part time job and have her pay for her own cell phone or car insurance. She needs to understand the value of a $1.
7) When your daughter is considering what she wants to do after high school, sit her down and show her the cost of living. Help her understand that what career she chooses will have a lot to do with her independence. Research careers and show her what she would expect to make in her profession. Also, there is information on what careers will be more in demand in the future. Make sure she sees what the future could possibly hold for her.
8) Before you get married, make sure you know your husbands feelings on traditional roles of man and woman. If he expects you to stay home with the children and cook every night than that probably will not change after you say "I do."
9) If your daughter does decide to go to a four year college and she graduates and is still pondering on the future, have her research graduate schools. Education is the key to advancement and knowledge. We all know that knowledge is power.
10) There is nothing wrong with a liberal arts degree, but make sure you know what kind of job that you can get with a philosophy degree. Have a plan on what is going to happen after college.
11) If you are in an abusive relationship or are working two or three jobs to support your family, there is a way out. However, you have to take the first step. There are many support systems out there to help women and girls become the best they can be in life. Ask someone you trust for help or look up your local domestic violence shelter phone number and make the call.
This also brings me back to my first blog about engaging girls in STEM programs, which stands for science, technology, engineering and math. As mentioned in an earlier blog, many girls start to lose interest in math and science about the age of 12. At that point, make-up, gossip and boys become more important. Continuing to engage girls in these types of programs are very important. For example, The Girl Scouts have launched STEM programs all over the United States and are incorporating these types of activities into their curriculum.
While I was at the Boys & Girls Club, I developed a summer program that incorporated field trips to science museums, guest speakers and various other activities. My favorite day entailed having a full day of STEM activities. I had contacted West Virginia University regarding a program they had put together for girls in another part of the state and they came to us. The children were exposed to geology in an outdoor activity, they learned about robots and engineering while being entertained by a real robot and engaged in many other activities to stimulate their minds. I will never forget what one of the Club kids said to me that day. It was just after the day was wrapping up. The girl that approached me was from a struggling family that appreciated the Club and the support that we could provide to two very hard working parents. Neither of her parents had gone to college. She came up to me and told me how much she enjoyed the day and that when she grew up that she wanted to be an engineer. The whole day was worth that one comment.
I would like to map out two different lives for her. Let's say that she never was exposed to any type of STEM activities because studies show women are encouraged to take on traditional roles in and out of the home. She takes a job making $20,000 a year and gets married at the age of 21. She immediately has two children. Her husband leaves her and the children. How will she make it? Will she work two or three jobs or go from relationship to relationship trying to find someone to help take care of her and the children? The second life involves her going to a community college for the first two years of school and applies and is accepted to a four year university. She graduates with an engineering degree and finds a job out of college. She meets her husband at a conference and they have two children around the age of 30. Which situation sounds better to you?
Another opportunity I had to influence young women, was at a workshop that I created and implemented in southern WV while at the WV Women's Commission. I chose southern WV because there is a great deal of poverty, unemployment and service jobs in that region. Many of these young girls were not thinking of continuing education or paying bills, but marriage and babies. I brought in many vendors and guest speakers to introduce them to jobs where they could make more money and have a promising career with advancement potential. There were vendors from truck driver schools to chemical engineering companies. I had a speaker talk about how she lost her husband in her early 20's and how she had to learn how to take care of herself. She had no idea that life would throw her a curve ball and she realized that she needed to make sure that she could always take care of herself.
Women in nontraditional jobs are faced with many obstacles and many of them have to do with how they are accepted in those roles. There is sexual harassment in the work place as well as many not accepting women, and that includes other women, in these roles. Women need to have access to classes and counselors on how to deal with this type of environment in order to prepare them for what could be.
My sister-in-law is a petroleum engineer. She started out in the field and found that she was the only woman on site for many jobs. Not only that, but she was the boss. She got push back at times, but she has a very thick skin. She stood her ground and to this day during meetings with a table full of men, she will stand up for what is right for her profession. She is smart and she is good at her job. She supports herself, owns her own home, travels with friends to exotic places and has a great boyfriend. She got all of this by getting an education and advancing quickly up the ladder in a field that is dominated by men. She will always be able to take care of herself and she really enjoys her work. Why would we not want that for our daughters and mothers?
Below is a great link to information and statistics on nontraditional jobs and how there are very few women in these types of careers.
http://www.wowonline.org/documents/Whatisanontraditionaljob_002.pdf
Alison's 11 Ways to Find a Nontraditional Job
1) Visit the local community college and find out about their two year programs. Many community colleges partner with the businesses in the area to help provide the skills that company needs.
2) Expose your daughter to STEM activities. Below is a link to the program the Girl Scouts implement. http://www.wowonline.org/documents/Whatisanontraditionaljob_002.pdf
3) Research four year colleges in your area and visit the campus. Explore financial aid and scholarship opportunities while visiting. There are trained people there that can help walk you through the process.
4) You are never too advanced in age to step out of your box and change your life. Many women go back to school at various stages in life. While visiting a campus ask about nontraditional student support or the possibility of meeting others that are going back to school later in life. There are night classes, online classes, and many other ways to go to school and work.
5) Make sure you are involved with the finances in your home. You need to be educated on what bills are coming and going. Take an active role and be a true partner to your significant other.
6) When your daughter is in high school, start talking about what it means to pay bills. Have her get a part time job and have her pay for her own cell phone or car insurance. She needs to understand the value of a $1.
7) When your daughter is considering what she wants to do after high school, sit her down and show her the cost of living. Help her understand that what career she chooses will have a lot to do with her independence. Research careers and show her what she would expect to make in her profession. Also, there is information on what careers will be more in demand in the future. Make sure she sees what the future could possibly hold for her.
8) Before you get married, make sure you know your husbands feelings on traditional roles of man and woman. If he expects you to stay home with the children and cook every night than that probably will not change after you say "I do."
9) If your daughter does decide to go to a four year college and she graduates and is still pondering on the future, have her research graduate schools. Education is the key to advancement and knowledge. We all know that knowledge is power.
10) There is nothing wrong with a liberal arts degree, but make sure you know what kind of job that you can get with a philosophy degree. Have a plan on what is going to happen after college.
11) If you are in an abusive relationship or are working two or three jobs to support your family, there is a way out. However, you have to take the first step. There are many support systems out there to help women and girls become the best they can be in life. Ask someone you trust for help or look up your local domestic violence shelter phone number and make the call.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Identifying Unhealthy Relationships and Teen Dating Violence
I got married and followed my husband to Eau Claire , Wisconsin
While I was in that role, I had the opportunity to go into the school system to teach middle school students in health classes. I went in for two days to each school to talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships and sexual assault awareness. These two issues needed to be discussed because unfortunately domestic violence and sexual assault go hand in hand. I am going to focus just on healthy and unhealthy relationships before talking about sexual assault. Learning how to identify that a relationship is not healthy is the first step in awakening to the realization that not everyone can or will change.
There are all different kinds of relationships that we can have with people. Regardless of what relationship we are having with someone, we all have a right to be treated with respect. A right is something that is due to us, that we are entitled to. We all also have a responsibility or obligation to treat others with respect.
Many of the questions that I got during these classroom discussions were centered around how to identify when you are in an unhealthy relationship and what to do. Many of these young people had never even heard about boundaries or even thought about what it means when someone is too possessive or too jealous. I do not think many of our young people are given enough information about the way we should allow ourselves to be treated nor how to stand up and speak out when something is not right.
First, we must awaken to the realities of teen dating violence. Studies show that 1 in 5 female high school students report that they have been physically or sexually abused and 94% of them report that it happens between the ages of 16 and 19. Intimate partner violence among adolescence is associated with substance abuse, unhealthy weight control behaviors, sexually risky behaviors, pregnancy, and suicide. However, in a survey done by the Family Violence Prevention Fund and Advocates for Youth, 81% of parents do not believe that dating violence is an issue or they do not know. Dating violence occurs across all genders, races, and socioeconomic lines. This is a big issue and we need to stop ignoring that this occurs.
Please go to link for more statistics. http://www.clotheslineproject.org/teendatingviolencefacts.pdf
I realize that there is some immaturity issues that we all have to overcome in order to have any kind of healthy relationships. Many of us can agree that we have blown relationships because we were immature and said or did the wrong thing and those relationships ended because of the mistakes that we made. Many of us learn from those mistakes and leave the immaturity behind. However, there are those that will never develop the skills to have a healthy relationship and have many power and control issues that they will never grow out of. This is a message that needs to be heard loud and clear. These people will never change. Again, the first step is identifying what is healthy and setting boundaries. It is not your job to identify whether or not this person is immature or if they have major issues. It is your job to identify what is unhealthy and end the relationship if the unhealthy behaviors do not stop.
Predominantly, it is boys or men that commit dating violence or domestic violence, but it does happen to them too. An unhealthy relationship can turn into sexual, emotional, or physical violence very quickly.
Below is a list of what entails a healthy relationship and what entails an unhealthy relationship.
Healthy Relationships
Mutual respect. Respect means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person’s boundaries. Trust. Partners should place trust in each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Honesty. Honesty builds trust and strengthens the relationship. Compromise. In a dating relationship, each partner does not always get his or her way. Each should acknowledge different points of view and be willing to give and take. Individuality. Neither partner should have to compromise who he/she is, and his/her identity should not be based on a partner’s. Each should continue seeing his or her friends and doing the things he/she loves. Each should be supportive of his/her partner wanting to pursue new hobbies or make new friends. Good communication. Each partner should speak honestly and openly to avoid miscommunication. If one person needs to sort out his or her feelings first, the other partner should respect those wishes and wait until he or she is ready to talk. Anger control. We all get angry, but how we express it can affect our relationships with others. Anger can be handled in healthy ways such as taking a deep breath, counting to ten, or talking it out. Fighting fair. Everyone argues at some point, but those who are fair, stick to the subject, and avoid insults are more likely to come up with a possible solution. Partners should take a short break away from each other if the discussion gets too heated. Problem solving. Dating partners can learn to solve problems and identify new solutions by breaking a problem into small parts or by talking through the situation. Understanding. Each partner should take time to understand what the other might be feeling. Self-confidence. When dating partners have confidence in themselves, it can help their relationships with others. It shows that they are calm and comfortable enough to allow others to express their opinions without forcing their own opinions on them. Being a role model. By embodying what respect means, partners can inspire each other, friends, and family to also behave in a respectful way.
Unhealthy Relationships
Control. One dating partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, what to wear, or who to spend time with. He or she is unreasonably jealous, and/or tries to isolate the other partner from his or her friends and family. Hostility. One dating partner picks a fight with or antagonizes the other dating partner. This may lead to one dating partner changing his or her behavior in order to avoid upsetting the other. Dishonesty. One dating partner lies to or keeps information from the other. One dating partner steals from the other. Disrespect. One dating partner makes fun of the opinions and interests of the other partner or destroys something that belongs to the partner. Dependence. One dating partner feels that he or she “cannot live without” the other. He or she may threaten to do something drastic if the relationship ends. Intimidation. One dating partner tries to control aspects of the other's life by making the other partner fearful or timid. One dating partner may attempt to keep his or her partner from friends and family or threaten violence or a break-up. Physical violence. One partner uses force to get his or her way (such as hitting, slapping, grabbing, or shoving). Sexual violence. One dating partner pressures or forces the other into sexual activity against his or her will or without consent. Individuals that commit dating violence have usually been abused and continue the cycle by abusing other people. Studies show that at least 60% of individuals that have experienced violence will repeat the behavior. Again, this is predominantly males, but females also do engage in dating violence.
Effective boundaries can assist someone in standing up for themselves and realizing that something is wrong. Many people have different types of boundaries and some can be very unhealthy. Someone with soft boundaries can merge with other people and become easily manipulated. On the other end, someone with rigid boundaries is closed off so nobody can get close to him or her either physically or emotionally. This is often the case of someone that has been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused. There are also those with spongy boundaries. These people have a combination of soft and rigid boundaries. They are unsure of who to let in and keep out. The most healthy boundaries are flexible. This is selective rigid boundaries and the person has more control over who to let in and who to keep out. They are also resistant to manipulation and are very difficult to exploit.
Everyone needs to set personal boundaries or limits. What is reasonable and safe and how he or she will respond to others. These boundaries are a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Boundaries can be formed around the physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and spiritual.
A note to someone that has a relationship with someone that has been abused. A person that has been or is in counseling for being abused will have to work through their issues of boundaries. You might find that there are times that the person has very rigid boundaries while other times they seem more flexible. Please respect the place where they are in their healing process. There are many triggers in life that set people back. You must also respect that many people take a step forward and two steps back. Healing for many is a life long journey.
In general, we must all learn to respect the boundaries people set in all of our relationships. We may want more from that person, but that person may not want the same. Someone that does not respect boundaries and exhibits unhealthy forms of behaviors is not going to change. That relationship needs to end and we need to set the stage for our children to able to come to us and tell us what is going on. The only way to do this is to talk to them and provide teachable moments. Dating violence goes far beyond the school room. In another blog, I will discuss domestic violence in the home.
During one of my classroom discussions, I had an interaction with a female student that I think about from time to time. The class had ended and I was having a conversation with the health teacher when I noticed out of the corner or my eye there was someone waiting by the door. It was a female from the class. I turned towards her and asked if she had any questions. She was looking down at the floor and she was shuffling back and forth. She was not a girl that was standing tall. She looked too thin and possibly as though she was not getting a lot of sleep. I approached her and asked her if she wanted to sit down and talk. She was standing halfway in and halfway out of the classroom door. She put her hand on the door and balanced herself and took time to think before she answered. She barely made eye contact with me and said that she did not have anything to say and turned and left. I think about her from time to time and wonder how she is and if she ever found a way to talk about what was bothering her that day. The biggest part of ending violence is that the person experiencing it has to speak up. We all need to find our voices and stand tall.
The national teen dating violence hotline was established to help youth and young adults. There are live chats, texting, and phone help. Please visit www.loveisrespect.org
Text loveis to 77054
Call 866-331-9474
TTY 866-331-8453
Alison's 11 Ways to Put an End to Unhealthy Relationships:
1) We must teach our children how to identify healthy and unhealthy relationships. We must engage them in direct conversations about it.
2) Our children will mirror what they see at home. If we are in an unhealthy relationship and children witness the behaviors and see that you find them acceptable, they will too. Put a stop to the unhealthy behaviors at home.
3) Talk to your children about boundaries and help them learn to set real boundaries based on their life experiences. Talk them through issues they are having at school or with friends and how they can set boundaries.
4) Girls must have a strong self-esteeem. This can be established through getting them involved in various activities, sharing family outings and visiting new places and discussing new ideas. Do not let your daughter's life become dependent on relationships with boys and what they think about her.
5) We must make sure our children have strong support systems that extend beyond the home. Make sure your children have various role models in their life. They need to get information from many different people that they respect and care about.
6) Stay involved in your children's lives. You should know where they are and what they are doing. Set strong boundaries and limits with them. This let's them know that you care.
7) Have your children visit a counselor to engage in conversations about growing up. A counselor can assist and help prepare your child. It is not just about discussing issues when something happens. It is about preparing for what is to come.
8) Get to know the kids that your children spend time with. Your children will also mirror the behaviors they learn from their peers.
9) Research age appropriate educational movies and articles that you can read or watch with your children to begin conversations.
10) Have dinner with your children every night with no interruptions. Make sure you know what is going on in their lives and that they know it is important to talk about their day and what is going on.
11) This last tip is for boys. We must teach our boys to treat people with respect and to let go of what was once traditional roles of man and woman. Studies have shown that boys and men that believe in these more traditional roles are also those that commit acts of violence against girls or women.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Butterflies to Boys
Around the age of 12, I felt a shift regarding who I was and what role I was supposed to take on as a girl. Most of my childhood was spent wearing hand me down clothes from my brother and playing soccer with the boys. I also had many overnight sleep overs with friends and played barbies. I was a little girl. Doing what little girls did. I was adventurous and loved exploring the world. I was happy. However, something happens to most girls when they turn about the age of 12. They forget about math and science and playing in the dirt and they start caring more about clothes, make-up, and boys. Something in us almost turns off. I think about the fairy tale stories of childhood. The brave knight saving the day and I also think about what my friends were talking about. All I began to care about were relationships. Unfortunately, when you pair immaturity with girls developing crushes on boys, you have a recipe for disaster or as least some good old fashioned bullying.
I never wore clothes that were really in. I still remember my first shopping trip to the mall with a friend. I bought a turtle neck sweater and I could not believe what I had been missing. I was a tom boy wearing my brothers old clothes and just loving the world and everything in it. Unfortunately, sixth grade happened and I turned 12 and everything changed. In fact, sixth grade was a trying time for me. I was all of a sudden thrust into an environment where everyone was developing hormones and gossip was the next best thing to chocalate cake. What am I saying? It was better than chocolate cake. I remember my first real crush on a boy. He was what we would all call the bad boy that everyone loved to laugh with and aspire to be like. Whatever that meant at the age of 12. I remember the day when I realized that we were officially dating. I was so excited and decided to go out and buy him this gold chain necklace from the mall. It was from one of those little costume jewerly stores. I had no idea what it meant to buy something like that. I had no idea it was a fake gold chain necklace that eventually turned your neck green. I think we dated for one week and of course he started to like a friend of mine. I remember going home that day and looking in the mirror and thinking what could I do differently to be more appealing to this boy. It took me a second and I realized that getting a perm was just what I needed to do. "Yes, a perm!" Little did I know what exactly would happen. What I should have said was, "No, not a perm!"
Well, I got my perm and I was late to school that next day. Not only did I walk into a school room with a head full of poodle curls that were sticking out so wide and far that a small animal could have been hiding in there somewhere, but I also walked into a room full of kids. A room full of 12 year olds to be exact. All eyes were on me. Laughter rang in my ears and it was all I could do to get back to my desk. I sat down trying to fight back the tears and I looked down. There on my desk was the gold chain. That was when it got really funny for everyone around me. The tears could not be held back at that point. Of course, the cool boy that I had dated for 10 minutes turned and said, "That necklace turned my neck green. You can have it back." I was utterly mortified.
That same year, I attended a sleep over and found that a special hide and seek game was prepared just for me in a cemetary. I hid silently behind a grave only to find that eggs and sugar and who knows what else was being dumped over my head.
My sixth grade year in school was not a happy one. I developed hives and physically induced asthma. I cried a lot and spent a great deal of energy and time on what people did or did not think about me. Why was I not good enough to have a boyfriend like all the other girls? My parents would console me, but I just always felt awckward. My clothes never fit like they did on the other girls and my hair was always this crazy mess.
The one opportunity I did have to kiss a boy was very awckward. I was with the same friend that was dating that cool boy and we were at a basketball court. I liked this other new boy, but I was very shy about it. I was told it was time to go behind a building and kiss him, so I marched right back and stood in one place. I was not ready at all, but I puckered up. I remember him trying to move his lips under mine, but I was having none of that. I just kept thinking that I needed to keep my mouth closed and puckered. After that kiss, I realized I was not ready for boys. Why had I been pushed into this world that I just was not ready for?
I do not think I am alone in my experience. I had very loving parents and a great home life. However, why do so many girls and women go through these trying times and how do we protect our daughters going forward?
I have read many books on the subject of the issues girls face trying to work through some of my questions about my childhood, and I have come away with some important pointers and suggestions. Some great books to read would include: Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons and Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and the New Realities of a Girls World by Rosalind Wiseman.
Alison's 11 Pointers for Keeping Your Daughter Interested in Acting Her Age:
1) Make sure your daughter is involved with activities that get her up and active. Sports help girls develop a sense of belonging, keep them active, and they certainly teach girls about winning and losing. We need to learn that we will do both in life. It hurts, but we need to learn how to take it.
2) Get your daughter involved in activities that keep her engaged in math and science. There are many clubs and summer camps that introduce children to a program called STEM. STEM stands for science, technology, engineering, and math. We must keep our girls introduced in these types of studies because we want our girls to advance and take on jobs and careers that will make sure they are being innovaters and getting paid a decent wage. (This subject will definintely come up in another blog!)
3) Use teachable moments to talk to your daughter about sex and boys. Girls are learning at a very young age about sex and it is usually from a friend. You want your daughter to feel comfortable talking to you about these issues. If you are watching a television show and someone is talking about it, use it as a platform to ask your daughter how she feels about it or what she knows. Turn the television off and have the conversation. There has to be an open dialogue, so your daughter will feel comfortable coming to you when she really has a big question. If you never have any type of conversation, your daughter will spend her adolescence hearing half truths and making assumptions. You don't want your daughter to do that at all!
4) Teach your daughter about boundaries. There are all kind of boundaries such as physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual. There are many books on introducing boundaries, but letting her know that she has a right to not let someone else affect her and that she has control over that is important.
5) Get your daughter out in nature as much as you can. Spend time as a family bike riding, camping, fishing, boating, hiking in the woods, or just taking a walk down the street. Our world is so concrete and rigid. The outdoors reminds us of our natural state. It reminds us of all the good in the world and we how we can continue to explore it. It builds character and memories and it allows for girls to continue to play and get dirty again. Our little girls need to remain little girls.
6) Set boundaries with, when, and where your daughter will go. It is your job to know if the parents are home or what activity she is going to be doing. Do not be afraid to say no. She might be upset for while, but someday when she is 30 years old, she will thank you for it.
7) Talk to your daughter about her life and her friendships. Help her talk through the drama and introduce her to the part of life that is not filled with drama. Introduce her to something new.
8) Do something with your daughter every week that is engaging. You can have a reading date with your daughter and share an interesting book with her and talk about it. You can take her to a new place in your community and introduce her to new ideas. Let her know that the school drama is only a small part of the world. There is so much out there for her to do!
9) Get your daughter engaged in thinking about her future at very young age. Get her into after school programs or summer camps, which will allow her to have new experiences and visit college campuses. Share many outstanding role models with her that are women. She needs to know that she can be and do anything!
10) This is the most important. You must tell your daughter that you love her everyday and that she can be anything she wants to be in life. Show her the way!
11) The final suggestion is one that I believe with all of my heart. We must engage our youth in community service and allow them to give back to others. This type of civic engagement teaches our children to be humble and to lose the "me" attitude. Doing something together as a family will also bring you closer together. We forget about our own worries when we help someone else because we realize that life has been good to us.
I never wore clothes that were really in. I still remember my first shopping trip to the mall with a friend. I bought a turtle neck sweater and I could not believe what I had been missing. I was a tom boy wearing my brothers old clothes and just loving the world and everything in it. Unfortunately, sixth grade happened and I turned 12 and everything changed. In fact, sixth grade was a trying time for me. I was all of a sudden thrust into an environment where everyone was developing hormones and gossip was the next best thing to chocalate cake. What am I saying? It was better than chocolate cake. I remember my first real crush on a boy. He was what we would all call the bad boy that everyone loved to laugh with and aspire to be like. Whatever that meant at the age of 12. I remember the day when I realized that we were officially dating. I was so excited and decided to go out and buy him this gold chain necklace from the mall. It was from one of those little costume jewerly stores. I had no idea what it meant to buy something like that. I had no idea it was a fake gold chain necklace that eventually turned your neck green. I think we dated for one week and of course he started to like a friend of mine. I remember going home that day and looking in the mirror and thinking what could I do differently to be more appealing to this boy. It took me a second and I realized that getting a perm was just what I needed to do. "Yes, a perm!" Little did I know what exactly would happen. What I should have said was, "No, not a perm!"
Well, I got my perm and I was late to school that next day. Not only did I walk into a school room with a head full of poodle curls that were sticking out so wide and far that a small animal could have been hiding in there somewhere, but I also walked into a room full of kids. A room full of 12 year olds to be exact. All eyes were on me. Laughter rang in my ears and it was all I could do to get back to my desk. I sat down trying to fight back the tears and I looked down. There on my desk was the gold chain. That was when it got really funny for everyone around me. The tears could not be held back at that point. Of course, the cool boy that I had dated for 10 minutes turned and said, "That necklace turned my neck green. You can have it back." I was utterly mortified.
That same year, I attended a sleep over and found that a special hide and seek game was prepared just for me in a cemetary. I hid silently behind a grave only to find that eggs and sugar and who knows what else was being dumped over my head.
My sixth grade year in school was not a happy one. I developed hives and physically induced asthma. I cried a lot and spent a great deal of energy and time on what people did or did not think about me. Why was I not good enough to have a boyfriend like all the other girls? My parents would console me, but I just always felt awckward. My clothes never fit like they did on the other girls and my hair was always this crazy mess.
The one opportunity I did have to kiss a boy was very awckward. I was with the same friend that was dating that cool boy and we were at a basketball court. I liked this other new boy, but I was very shy about it. I was told it was time to go behind a building and kiss him, so I marched right back and stood in one place. I was not ready at all, but I puckered up. I remember him trying to move his lips under mine, but I was having none of that. I just kept thinking that I needed to keep my mouth closed and puckered. After that kiss, I realized I was not ready for boys. Why had I been pushed into this world that I just was not ready for?
I do not think I am alone in my experience. I had very loving parents and a great home life. However, why do so many girls and women go through these trying times and how do we protect our daughters going forward?
I have read many books on the subject of the issues girls face trying to work through some of my questions about my childhood, and I have come away with some important pointers and suggestions. Some great books to read would include: Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons and Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and the New Realities of a Girls World by Rosalind Wiseman.
Alison's 11 Pointers for Keeping Your Daughter Interested in Acting Her Age:
1) Make sure your daughter is involved with activities that get her up and active. Sports help girls develop a sense of belonging, keep them active, and they certainly teach girls about winning and losing. We need to learn that we will do both in life. It hurts, but we need to learn how to take it.
2) Get your daughter involved in activities that keep her engaged in math and science. There are many clubs and summer camps that introduce children to a program called STEM. STEM stands for science, technology, engineering, and math. We must keep our girls introduced in these types of studies because we want our girls to advance and take on jobs and careers that will make sure they are being innovaters and getting paid a decent wage. (This subject will definintely come up in another blog!)
3) Use teachable moments to talk to your daughter about sex and boys. Girls are learning at a very young age about sex and it is usually from a friend. You want your daughter to feel comfortable talking to you about these issues. If you are watching a television show and someone is talking about it, use it as a platform to ask your daughter how she feels about it or what she knows. Turn the television off and have the conversation. There has to be an open dialogue, so your daughter will feel comfortable coming to you when she really has a big question. If you never have any type of conversation, your daughter will spend her adolescence hearing half truths and making assumptions. You don't want your daughter to do that at all!
4) Teach your daughter about boundaries. There are all kind of boundaries such as physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual. There are many books on introducing boundaries, but letting her know that she has a right to not let someone else affect her and that she has control over that is important.
5) Get your daughter out in nature as much as you can. Spend time as a family bike riding, camping, fishing, boating, hiking in the woods, or just taking a walk down the street. Our world is so concrete and rigid. The outdoors reminds us of our natural state. It reminds us of all the good in the world and we how we can continue to explore it. It builds character and memories and it allows for girls to continue to play and get dirty again. Our little girls need to remain little girls.
6) Set boundaries with, when, and where your daughter will go. It is your job to know if the parents are home or what activity she is going to be doing. Do not be afraid to say no. She might be upset for while, but someday when she is 30 years old, she will thank you for it.
7) Talk to your daughter about her life and her friendships. Help her talk through the drama and introduce her to the part of life that is not filled with drama. Introduce her to something new.
8) Do something with your daughter every week that is engaging. You can have a reading date with your daughter and share an interesting book with her and talk about it. You can take her to a new place in your community and introduce her to new ideas. Let her know that the school drama is only a small part of the world. There is so much out there for her to do!
9) Get your daughter engaged in thinking about her future at very young age. Get her into after school programs or summer camps, which will allow her to have new experiences and visit college campuses. Share many outstanding role models with her that are women. She needs to know that she can be and do anything!
10) This is the most important. You must tell your daughter that you love her everyday and that she can be anything she wants to be in life. Show her the way!
11) The final suggestion is one that I believe with all of my heart. We must engage our youth in community service and allow them to give back to others. This type of civic engagement teaches our children to be humble and to lose the "me" attitude. Doing something together as a family will also bring you closer together. We forget about our own worries when we help someone else because we realize that life has been good to us.
The Balanced Woman
I have often asked myself what it means to grow up a girl and become a woman. The issues we face, the transitions that occur, the stages of growing up, and challenges we overcome. I have often felt alone in a room full of people and sometimes even more alone in a room full of women. I am not sure why. I know we face similar issues, transitions, and challenges. Why are we silent when so many of us are screaming inside?
The balanced woman will be a blog that will allow woman to read stories and information about the challendges we all face and spend time reflecting. It will also provide advice from my life experiences. My ultimate goal is to bring women together and to find solutions or at least a travelers guide to navigating what we all experience in life.
I think girls and women have many different faces. We are forced to wear some faces because of society, some to cover up our true feelings, and others when we are truly ourselves. I want to discover what it means to face life head on as a girl and woman and come out on the other side happy and fulfilled. I honestly do not think that many of us are truly happy. There are moments of happiness, but we put on a face when things are not going right. I just know that I can't be the only one that feels this way.
The balanced woman is an attempt to reach for the stars and for what we want most in life. Let's talk about the issues and live our best life.
The balanced woman will be a blog that will allow woman to read stories and information about the challendges we all face and spend time reflecting. It will also provide advice from my life experiences. My ultimate goal is to bring women together and to find solutions or at least a travelers guide to navigating what we all experience in life.
I think girls and women have many different faces. We are forced to wear some faces because of society, some to cover up our true feelings, and others when we are truly ourselves. I want to discover what it means to face life head on as a girl and woman and come out on the other side happy and fulfilled. I honestly do not think that many of us are truly happy. There are moments of happiness, but we put on a face when things are not going right. I just know that I can't be the only one that feels this way.
The balanced woman is an attempt to reach for the stars and for what we want most in life. Let's talk about the issues and live our best life.
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