Identifying Unhealthy Relationships and Teen Dating Violence

I got married and followed my husband to Eau Claire, Wisconsin in 2007. I had spent most of my career working in administrative jobs focusing on program implementation, fundraising and community development, but I had the skills from my social work degree to do direct practice work. I applied for and accepted the job of sexual assault victim advocate. I still believe that I learned more in that job than just about any other that I have held. I spent a great deal of time attending trainings and reading during my time there. I wanted to know as much as possible in order to educate and help people cope.

While I was in that role, I had the opportunity to go into the school system to teach middle school students in health classes. I went in for two days to each school to talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships and sexual assault awareness. These two issues needed to be discussed because unfortunately domestic violence and sexual assault go hand in hand. I am going to focus just on healthy and unhealthy relationships before talking about sexual assault. Learning how to identify that a relationship is not healthy is the first step in awakening to the realization that not everyone can or will change.

There are all different kinds of relationships that we can have with people. Regardless of what relationship we are having with someone, we all have a right to be treated with respect. A right is something that is due to us, that we are entitled to. We all also have a responsibility or obligation to treat others with respect.

Many of the questions that I got during these classroom discussions were centered around how to identify when you are in an unhealthy relationship and what to do. Many of these young people had never even heard about boundaries or even thought about what it means when someone is too possessive or too jealous. I do not think many of our young people are given enough information about the way we should allow ourselves to be treated nor how to stand up and speak out when something is not right.

First, we must awaken to the realities of teen dating violence. Studies show that 1 in 5 female high school students report that they have been physically or sexually abused and 94% of them report that it happens between the ages of 16 and 19. Intimate partner violence among adolescence is associated with substance abuse, unhealthy weight control behaviors, sexually risky behaviors, pregnancy, and suicide. However, in a survey done by the Family Violence Prevention Fund and Advocates for Youth, 81% of parents do not believe that dating violence is an issue or they do not know. Dating violence occurs across all genders, races, and socioeconomic lines. This is a big issue and we need to stop ignoring that this occurs. 

Please go to link for more statistics. http://www.clotheslineproject.org/teendatingviolencefacts.pdf

I realize that there is some immaturity issues that we all have to overcome in order to have any kind of healthy relationships. Many of us can agree that we have blown relationships because we were immature and said or did the wrong thing and those relationships ended because of the mistakes that we made. Many of us learn from those mistakes and leave the immaturity behind. However, there are those that will never develop the skills to have a healthy relationship and have many power and control issues that they will never grow out of. This is a message that needs to be heard loud and clear. These people will never change. Again, the first step is identifying what is healthy and setting boundaries. It is not your job to identify whether or not this person is immature or if they have major issues. It is your job to identify what is unhealthy and end the relationship if the unhealthy behaviors do not stop.

Predominantly, it is boys or men that commit dating violence or domestic violence, but it does happen to them too. An unhealthy relationship can turn into sexual, emotional, or physical violence very quickly.

Below is a list of what entails a healthy relationship and what entails an unhealthy relationship.

Healthy Relationships
Mutual respect. Respect means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person’s boundaries. Trust. Partners should place trust in each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Honesty. Honesty builds trust and strengthens the relationship. Compromise. In a dating relationship, each partner does not always get his or her way. Each should acknowledge different points of view and be willing to give and take. Individuality. Neither partner should have to compromise who he/she is, and his/her identity should not be based on a partner’s. Each should continue seeing his or her friends and doing the things he/she loves. Each should be supportive of his/her partner wanting to pursue new hobbies or make new friends. Good communication. Each partner should speak honestly and openly to avoid miscommunication. If one person needs to sort out his or her feelings first, the other partner should respect those wishes and wait until he or she is ready to talk. Anger control. We all get angry, but how we express it can affect our relationships with others. Anger can be handled in healthy ways such as taking a deep breath, counting to ten, or talking it out. Fighting fair. Everyone argues at some point, but those who are fair, stick to the subject, and avoid insults are more likely to come up with a possible solution. Partners should take a short break away from each other if the discussion gets too heated.  Problem solving. Dating partners can learn to solve problems and identify new solutions by breaking a problem into small parts or by talking through the situation. Understanding. Each partner should take time to understand what the other might be feeling. Self-confidence. When dating partners have confidence in themselves, it can help their relationships with others. It shows that they are calm and comfortable enough to allow others to express their opinions without forcing their own opinions on them. Being a role model. By embodying what respect means, partners can inspire each other, friends, and family to also behave in a respectful way.

Unhealthy Relationships
Control. One dating partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, what to wear, or who to spend time with. He or she is unreasonably jealous, and/or tries to isolate the other partner from his or her friends and family. Hostility. One dating partner picks a fight with or antagonizes the other dating partner. This may lead to one dating partner changing his or her behavior in order to avoid upsetting the other. Dishonesty. One dating partner lies to or keeps information from the other. One dating partner steals from the other. Disrespect. One dating partner makes fun of the opinions and interests of the other partner or destroys something that belongs to the partner. Dependence. One dating partner feels that he or she “cannot live without” the other. He or she may threaten to do something drastic if the relationship ends. Intimidation. One dating partner tries to control aspects of the other's life by making the other partner fearful or timid. One dating partner may attempt to keep his or her partner from friends and family or threaten violence or a break-up. Physical violence. One partner uses force to get his or her way (such as hitting, slapping, grabbing, or shoving). Sexual violence. One dating partner pressures or forces the other into sexual activity against his or her will or without consent. Individuals that commit dating violence have usually been abused and continue the cycle by abusing other people. Studies show that at least 60% of individuals that have experienced violence will repeat the behavior. Again, this is predominantly males, but females also do engage in dating violence.

Effective boundaries can assist someone in standing up for themselves and realizing that something is wrong. Many people have different types of boundaries and some can be very unhealthy. Someone with soft boundaries can merge with other people and become easily manipulated. On the other end, someone with rigid boundaries is closed off so nobody can get close to him or her either physically or emotionally. This is often the case of someone that has been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused. There are also those with spongy boundaries. These people have a combination of soft and rigid boundaries. They are unsure of who to let in and keep out. The most healthy boundaries are flexible. This is selective rigid boundaries and the person has more control over who to let in and who to keep out. They are also resistant to manipulation and are very difficult to exploit.

Everyone needs to set personal boundaries or limits. What is reasonable and safe and how he or she will respond to others. These boundaries are a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Boundaries can be formed around the physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and spiritual. 

A note to someone that has a relationship with someone that has been abused. A person that has been or is in counseling for being abused will have to work through their issues of boundaries. You might find that there are times that the person has very rigid boundaries while other times they seem more flexible. Please respect the place where they are in their healing process. There are many triggers in life that set people back. You must also respect that many people take a step forward and two steps back. Healing for many is a life long journey. 

In general, we must all learn to respect the boundaries people set in all of our relationships. We may want more from that person, but that person may not want the same. Someone that does not respect boundaries and exhibits unhealthy forms of behaviors is not going to change. That relationship needs to end and we need to set the stage for our children to able to come to us and tell us what is going on. The only way to do this is to talk to them and provide teachable moments. Dating violence goes far beyond the school room. In another blog, I will discuss domestic violence in the home. 

During one of my classroom discussions, I had an interaction with a female student that I think about from time to time. The class had ended and I was having a conversation with the health teacher when I noticed out of the corner or my eye there was someone waiting by the door. It was a female from the class. I turned towards her and asked if she had any questions. She was looking down at the floor and she was shuffling back and forth. She was not a girl that was standing tall. She looked too thin and possibly as though she was not getting a lot of sleep. I approached her and asked her if she wanted to sit down and talk. She was standing halfway in and halfway out of the classroom door. She put her hand on the door and balanced herself and took time to think before she answered. She barely made eye contact with me and said that she did not have anything to say and turned and left. I think about her from time to time and wonder how she is and if she ever found a way to talk about what was bothering her that day. The biggest part of ending violence is that the person experiencing it has to speak up.  We all need to find our voices and stand tall. 

The national teen dating violence hotline was established to help youth and young adults. There are live chats, texting, and phone help. Please visit  www.loveisrespect.org 

Text loveis to 77054

Call 866-331-9474

TTY 866-331-8453

Alison's 11 Ways to Put an End to Unhealthy Relationships:

1) We must teach our children how to identify healthy and unhealthy relationships. We must engage them in direct conversations about it.

2) Our children will mirror what they see at home. If we are in an unhealthy relationship and children witness the behaviors and see that you find them acceptable, they will too. Put a stop to the unhealthy behaviors at home.

3) Talk to your children about boundaries and help them learn to set real boundaries based on their life experiences. Talk them through issues they are having at school or with friends and how they can set boundaries.

4) Girls must have a strong self-esteeem. This can be established through getting them involved in various activities, sharing family outings and visiting new places and discussing new ideas. Do not let your daughter's life become dependent on relationships with boys and what they think about her.

5) We must make sure our children have strong support systems that extend beyond the home. Make sure your children have various role models in their life. They need to get information from many different people that they respect and care about. 

6) Stay involved in your children's lives. You should know where they are and what they are doing. Set strong boundaries and limits with them. This let's them know that you care. 

7) Have your children visit a counselor to engage in conversations about growing up. A counselor can assist and help prepare your child. It is not just about discussing issues when something happens. It is about preparing for what is to come.

8) Get to know the kids that your children spend time with. Your children will also mirror the behaviors they learn from their peers.

9) Research age appropriate educational movies and articles that you can read or watch with your children to begin conversations.

10) Have dinner with your children every night with no interruptions. Make sure you know what is going on in their lives and that they know it is important to talk about their day and what is going on.

11) This last tip is for boys. We must teach our boys to treat people with respect and to let go of what was once traditional roles of man and woman. Studies have shown that boys and men that believe in these more traditional roles are also those that commit acts of violence against girls or women.