Butterflies to Boys

Around the age of 12, I felt a shift regarding who I was and what role I was supposed to take on as a girl. Most of my childhood was spent wearing hand me down clothes from my brother and playing soccer with the boys. I also had many overnight sleep overs with friends and played barbies. I was a little girl. Doing what little girls did. I was adventurous and loved exploring the world. I was happy. However, something happens to most girls when they turn about the age of 12. They forget about math and science and playing in the dirt and they start caring more about clothes, make-up, and boys. Something in us almost turns off. I think about the fairy tale stories of childhood. The brave knight saving the day and I also think about what my friends were talking about. All I began to care about were relationships. Unfortunately, when you pair immaturity with girls developing crushes on boys, you have a recipe for disaster or as least some good old fashioned bullying.

I never wore clothes that were really in. I still remember my first shopping trip to the mall with a friend. I bought a turtle neck sweater and I could not believe what I had been missing. I was a tom boy wearing my brothers old clothes and just loving the world and everything in it. Unfortunately, sixth grade happened and I turned 12 and everything changed. In fact, sixth grade was a trying time for me. I was all of a sudden thrust into an environment where everyone was developing hormones and gossip was the next best thing to chocalate cake. What am I saying? It was better than chocolate cake. I remember my first real crush on a boy. He was what we would all call the bad boy that everyone loved to laugh with and aspire to be like. Whatever that meant at the age of 12. I remember the day when I realized that we were officially dating. I was so excited and decided to go out and buy him this gold chain necklace from the mall. It was from one of those little costume jewerly stores. I had no idea what it meant to buy something like that. I had no idea it was a fake gold chain necklace that eventually turned your neck green. I think we dated for one week and of course he started to like a friend of mine. I remember going home that day and looking in the mirror and thinking what could I do differently to be more appealing to this boy. It took me a second and I realized that getting a perm was just what I needed to do. "Yes, a perm!" Little did I know what exactly would happen. What I should have said was, "No, not a perm!"

Well, I got my perm and I was late to school that next day. Not only did I walk into a school room with a head full of poodle curls that were sticking out so wide and far that a small animal could have been hiding in there somewhere, but I also walked into a room full of kids. A room full of 12 year olds to be exact. All eyes were on me. Laughter rang in my ears and it was all I could do to get back to my desk. I sat down trying to fight back the tears and I looked down. There on my desk was the gold chain. That was when it got really funny for everyone around me. The tears could not be held back at that point. Of course, the cool boy that I had dated for 10 minutes turned and said,  "That necklace turned my neck green. You can have it back." I was utterly mortified.

That same year, I attended a sleep over and found that a special hide and seek game was prepared just for me in a cemetary. I hid silently behind a grave only to find that eggs and sugar and who knows what else was being dumped over my head.

My sixth grade year in school was not a happy one. I developed hives and physically induced asthma. I cried a lot and spent a great deal of energy and time on what people did or did not think about me. Why was I not good enough to have a boyfriend like all the other girls? My parents would console me, but I just always felt awckward. My clothes never fit like they did on the other girls and my hair was always this crazy mess.

The one opportunity I did have to kiss a boy was very awckward. I was with the same friend that was dating that cool boy and we were at a basketball court. I liked this other new boy, but I was very shy about it. I was told it was time to go behind a building and kiss him, so I marched right back and stood in one place. I was not ready at all, but I puckered up. I remember him trying to move his lips under mine, but I was having none of that. I just kept thinking that I needed to keep my mouth closed and puckered. After that kiss, I realized I was not ready for boys. Why had I been pushed into this world that I just was not ready for?

I do not think I am alone in my experience. I had very loving parents and a great home life. However, why do so many girls and women go through these trying times and how do we protect our daughters going forward?

I have read many books on the subject of the issues girls face trying to work through some of my questions about my childhood, and I have come away with some important pointers and suggestions. Some great books to read would include: Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons and Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and the New Realities of a Girls World by Rosalind Wiseman.

Alison's 11 Pointers for Keeping Your Daughter Interested in Acting Her Age:
1) Make sure your daughter is involved with activities that get her up and active. Sports help girls develop a sense of belonging, keep them active, and they certainly teach girls about winning and losing. We need to learn that we will do both in life. It hurts, but we need to learn how to take it.
2) Get your daughter involved in activities that keep her engaged in math and science. There are many clubs and summer camps that introduce children to a program called STEM. STEM stands for science, technology, engineering, and math. We must keep our girls introduced in these types of studies because we want our girls to advance and take on jobs and careers that will make sure they are being innovaters and getting paid a decent wage. (This subject will definintely come up in another blog!)
3) Use teachable moments to talk to your daughter about sex and boys. Girls are learning at a very young age about sex and it is usually from a friend. You want your daughter to feel comfortable talking to you about these issues. If you are watching a television show and someone is talking about it, use it as a platform to ask your daughter how she feels about it or what she knows. Turn the television off and have the conversation. There has to be an open dialogue, so your daughter will feel comfortable coming to you when she really has a big question. If you never have any type of conversation, your daughter will spend her adolescence hearing half truths and making assumptions. You don't want your daughter to do that at all!
4) Teach your daughter about boundaries. There are all kind of boundaries such as physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual. There are many books on introducing boundaries, but letting her know that she has a right to not let someone else affect her and that she has control over that is important.
5) Get your daughter out in nature as much as you can. Spend time as a family bike riding, camping, fishing, boating, hiking in the woods, or just taking a walk down the street. Our world is so concrete and rigid. The outdoors reminds us of our natural state. It reminds us of all the good in the world and we how we can continue to explore it. It builds character and memories and it allows for girls to continue to play and get dirty again. Our little girls need to remain little girls.
6) Set boundaries with, when, and where your daughter will go. It is your job to know if the parents are home or what activity she is going to be doing. Do not be afraid to say no. She might be upset for while, but someday when she is 30 years old, she will thank you for it.
7) Talk to your daughter about her life and her friendships. Help her talk through the drama and introduce her to the part of life that is not filled with drama. Introduce her to something new.
8) Do something with your daughter every week that is engaging. You can have a reading date with your daughter and share an interesting book with her and talk about it. You can take her to a new place in your community and introduce her to new ideas. Let her know that the school drama is only a small part of the world. There is so much out there for her to do!
9) Get your daughter engaged in thinking about her future at very young age. Get her into after school programs or summer camps, which will allow her to have new experiences and visit college campuses. Share many outstanding role models with her that are women. She needs to know that she can be and do anything!
10) This is the most important. You must tell your daughter that you love her everyday and that she can be anything she wants to be in life. Show her the way!
11) The final suggestion is one that I believe with all of my heart. We must engage our youth in community service and allow them to give back to others. This type of civic engagement teaches our children to be humble and to lose the "me" attitude. Doing something together as a family will also bring you closer together. We forget about our own worries when we help someone else because we realize that life has been good to us.