Identifying Unhealthy Relationships and Teen Dating Violence

I got married and followed my husband to Eau Claire, Wisconsin in 2007. I had spent most of my career working in administrative jobs focusing on program implementation, fundraising and community development, but I had the skills from my social work degree to do direct practice work. I applied for and accepted the job of sexual assault victim advocate. I still believe that I learned more in that job than just about any other that I have held. I spent a great deal of time attending trainings and reading during my time there. I wanted to know as much as possible in order to educate and help people cope.

While I was in that role, I had the opportunity to go into the school system to teach middle school students in health classes. I went in for two days to each school to talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships and sexual assault awareness. These two issues needed to be discussed because unfortunately domestic violence and sexual assault go hand in hand. I am going to focus just on healthy and unhealthy relationships before talking about sexual assault. Learning how to identify that a relationship is not healthy is the first step in awakening to the realization that not everyone can or will change.

There are all different kinds of relationships that we can have with people. Regardless of what relationship we are having with someone, we all have a right to be treated with respect. A right is something that is due to us, that we are entitled to. We all also have a responsibility or obligation to treat others with respect.

Many of the questions that I got during these classroom discussions were centered around how to identify when you are in an unhealthy relationship and what to do. Many of these young people had never even heard about boundaries or even thought about what it means when someone is too possessive or too jealous. I do not think many of our young people are given enough information about the way we should allow ourselves to be treated nor how to stand up and speak out when something is not right.

First, we must awaken to the realities of teen dating violence. Studies show that 1 in 5 female high school students report that they have been physically or sexually abused and 94% of them report that it happens between the ages of 16 and 19. Intimate partner violence among adolescence is associated with substance abuse, unhealthy weight control behaviors, sexually risky behaviors, pregnancy, and suicide. However, in a survey done by the Family Violence Prevention Fund and Advocates for Youth, 81% of parents do not believe that dating violence is an issue or they do not know. Dating violence occurs across all genders, races, and socioeconomic lines. This is a big issue and we need to stop ignoring that this occurs. 

Please go to link for more statistics. http://www.clotheslineproject.org/teendatingviolencefacts.pdf

I realize that there is some immaturity issues that we all have to overcome in order to have any kind of healthy relationships. Many of us can agree that we have blown relationships because we were immature and said or did the wrong thing and those relationships ended because of the mistakes that we made. Many of us learn from those mistakes and leave the immaturity behind. However, there are those that will never develop the skills to have a healthy relationship and have many power and control issues that they will never grow out of. This is a message that needs to be heard loud and clear. These people will never change. Again, the first step is identifying what is healthy and setting boundaries. It is not your job to identify whether or not this person is immature or if they have major issues. It is your job to identify what is unhealthy and end the relationship if the unhealthy behaviors do not stop.

Predominantly, it is boys or men that commit dating violence or domestic violence, but it does happen to them too. An unhealthy relationship can turn into sexual, emotional, or physical violence very quickly.

Below is a list of what entails a healthy relationship and what entails an unhealthy relationship.

Healthy Relationships
Mutual respect. Respect means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person’s boundaries. Trust. Partners should place trust in each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Honesty. Honesty builds trust and strengthens the relationship. Compromise. In a dating relationship, each partner does not always get his or her way. Each should acknowledge different points of view and be willing to give and take. Individuality. Neither partner should have to compromise who he/she is, and his/her identity should not be based on a partner’s. Each should continue seeing his or her friends and doing the things he/she loves. Each should be supportive of his/her partner wanting to pursue new hobbies or make new friends. Good communication. Each partner should speak honestly and openly to avoid miscommunication. If one person needs to sort out his or her feelings first, the other partner should respect those wishes and wait until he or she is ready to talk. Anger control. We all get angry, but how we express it can affect our relationships with others. Anger can be handled in healthy ways such as taking a deep breath, counting to ten, or talking it out. Fighting fair. Everyone argues at some point, but those who are fair, stick to the subject, and avoid insults are more likely to come up with a possible solution. Partners should take a short break away from each other if the discussion gets too heated.  Problem solving. Dating partners can learn to solve problems and identify new solutions by breaking a problem into small parts or by talking through the situation. Understanding. Each partner should take time to understand what the other might be feeling. Self-confidence. When dating partners have confidence in themselves, it can help their relationships with others. It shows that they are calm and comfortable enough to allow others to express their opinions without forcing their own opinions on them. Being a role model. By embodying what respect means, partners can inspire each other, friends, and family to also behave in a respectful way.

Unhealthy Relationships
Control. One dating partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, what to wear, or who to spend time with. He or she is unreasonably jealous, and/or tries to isolate the other partner from his or her friends and family. Hostility. One dating partner picks a fight with or antagonizes the other dating partner. This may lead to one dating partner changing his or her behavior in order to avoid upsetting the other. Dishonesty. One dating partner lies to or keeps information from the other. One dating partner steals from the other. Disrespect. One dating partner makes fun of the opinions and interests of the other partner or destroys something that belongs to the partner. Dependence. One dating partner feels that he or she “cannot live without” the other. He or she may threaten to do something drastic if the relationship ends. Intimidation. One dating partner tries to control aspects of the other's life by making the other partner fearful or timid. One dating partner may attempt to keep his or her partner from friends and family or threaten violence or a break-up. Physical violence. One partner uses force to get his or her way (such as hitting, slapping, grabbing, or shoving). Sexual violence. One dating partner pressures or forces the other into sexual activity against his or her will or without consent. Individuals that commit dating violence have usually been abused and continue the cycle by abusing other people. Studies show that at least 60% of individuals that have experienced violence will repeat the behavior. Again, this is predominantly males, but females also do engage in dating violence.

Effective boundaries can assist someone in standing up for themselves and realizing that something is wrong. Many people have different types of boundaries and some can be very unhealthy. Someone with soft boundaries can merge with other people and become easily manipulated. On the other end, someone with rigid boundaries is closed off so nobody can get close to him or her either physically or emotionally. This is often the case of someone that has been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused. There are also those with spongy boundaries. These people have a combination of soft and rigid boundaries. They are unsure of who to let in and keep out. The most healthy boundaries are flexible. This is selective rigid boundaries and the person has more control over who to let in and who to keep out. They are also resistant to manipulation and are very difficult to exploit.

Everyone needs to set personal boundaries or limits. What is reasonable and safe and how he or she will respond to others. These boundaries are a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Boundaries can be formed around the physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and spiritual. 

A note to someone that has a relationship with someone that has been abused. A person that has been or is in counseling for being abused will have to work through their issues of boundaries. You might find that there are times that the person has very rigid boundaries while other times they seem more flexible. Please respect the place where they are in their healing process. There are many triggers in life that set people back. You must also respect that many people take a step forward and two steps back. Healing for many is a life long journey. 

In general, we must all learn to respect the boundaries people set in all of our relationships. We may want more from that person, but that person may not want the same. Someone that does not respect boundaries and exhibits unhealthy forms of behaviors is not going to change. That relationship needs to end and we need to set the stage for our children to able to come to us and tell us what is going on. The only way to do this is to talk to them and provide teachable moments. Dating violence goes far beyond the school room. In another blog, I will discuss domestic violence in the home. 

During one of my classroom discussions, I had an interaction with a female student that I think about from time to time. The class had ended and I was having a conversation with the health teacher when I noticed out of the corner or my eye there was someone waiting by the door. It was a female from the class. I turned towards her and asked if she had any questions. She was looking down at the floor and she was shuffling back and forth. She was not a girl that was standing tall. She looked too thin and possibly as though she was not getting a lot of sleep. I approached her and asked her if she wanted to sit down and talk. She was standing halfway in and halfway out of the classroom door. She put her hand on the door and balanced herself and took time to think before she answered. She barely made eye contact with me and said that she did not have anything to say and turned and left. I think about her from time to time and wonder how she is and if she ever found a way to talk about what was bothering her that day. The biggest part of ending violence is that the person experiencing it has to speak up.  We all need to find our voices and stand tall. 

The national teen dating violence hotline was established to help youth and young adults. There are live chats, texting, and phone help. Please visit  www.loveisrespect.org 

Text loveis to 77054

Call 866-331-9474

TTY 866-331-8453

Alison's 11 Ways to Put an End to Unhealthy Relationships:

1) We must teach our children how to identify healthy and unhealthy relationships. We must engage them in direct conversations about it.

2) Our children will mirror what they see at home. If we are in an unhealthy relationship and children witness the behaviors and see that you find them acceptable, they will too. Put a stop to the unhealthy behaviors at home.

3) Talk to your children about boundaries and help them learn to set real boundaries based on their life experiences. Talk them through issues they are having at school or with friends and how they can set boundaries.

4) Girls must have a strong self-esteeem. This can be established through getting them involved in various activities, sharing family outings and visiting new places and discussing new ideas. Do not let your daughter's life become dependent on relationships with boys and what they think about her.

5) We must make sure our children have strong support systems that extend beyond the home. Make sure your children have various role models in their life. They need to get information from many different people that they respect and care about. 

6) Stay involved in your children's lives. You should know where they are and what they are doing. Set strong boundaries and limits with them. This let's them know that you care. 

7) Have your children visit a counselor to engage in conversations about growing up. A counselor can assist and help prepare your child. It is not just about discussing issues when something happens. It is about preparing for what is to come.

8) Get to know the kids that your children spend time with. Your children will also mirror the behaviors they learn from their peers.

9) Research age appropriate educational movies and articles that you can read or watch with your children to begin conversations.

10) Have dinner with your children every night with no interruptions. Make sure you know what is going on in their lives and that they know it is important to talk about their day and what is going on.

11) This last tip is for boys. We must teach our boys to treat people with respect and to let go of what was once traditional roles of man and woman. Studies have shown that boys and men that believe in these more traditional roles are also those that commit acts of violence against girls or women. 

Butterflies to Boys

Around the age of 12, I felt a shift regarding who I was and what role I was supposed to take on as a girl. Most of my childhood was spent wearing hand me down clothes from my brother and playing soccer with the boys. I also had many overnight sleep overs with friends and played barbies. I was a little girl. Doing what little girls did. I was adventurous and loved exploring the world. I was happy. However, something happens to most girls when they turn about the age of 12. They forget about math and science and playing in the dirt and they start caring more about clothes, make-up, and boys. Something in us almost turns off. I think about the fairy tale stories of childhood. The brave knight saving the day and I also think about what my friends were talking about. All I began to care about were relationships. Unfortunately, when you pair immaturity with girls developing crushes on boys, you have a recipe for disaster or as least some good old fashioned bullying.

I never wore clothes that were really in. I still remember my first shopping trip to the mall with a friend. I bought a turtle neck sweater and I could not believe what I had been missing. I was a tom boy wearing my brothers old clothes and just loving the world and everything in it. Unfortunately, sixth grade happened and I turned 12 and everything changed. In fact, sixth grade was a trying time for me. I was all of a sudden thrust into an environment where everyone was developing hormones and gossip was the next best thing to chocalate cake. What am I saying? It was better than chocolate cake. I remember my first real crush on a boy. He was what we would all call the bad boy that everyone loved to laugh with and aspire to be like. Whatever that meant at the age of 12. I remember the day when I realized that we were officially dating. I was so excited and decided to go out and buy him this gold chain necklace from the mall. It was from one of those little costume jewerly stores. I had no idea what it meant to buy something like that. I had no idea it was a fake gold chain necklace that eventually turned your neck green. I think we dated for one week and of course he started to like a friend of mine. I remember going home that day and looking in the mirror and thinking what could I do differently to be more appealing to this boy. It took me a second and I realized that getting a perm was just what I needed to do. "Yes, a perm!" Little did I know what exactly would happen. What I should have said was, "No, not a perm!"

Well, I got my perm and I was late to school that next day. Not only did I walk into a school room with a head full of poodle curls that were sticking out so wide and far that a small animal could have been hiding in there somewhere, but I also walked into a room full of kids. A room full of 12 year olds to be exact. All eyes were on me. Laughter rang in my ears and it was all I could do to get back to my desk. I sat down trying to fight back the tears and I looked down. There on my desk was the gold chain. That was when it got really funny for everyone around me. The tears could not be held back at that point. Of course, the cool boy that I had dated for 10 minutes turned and said,  "That necklace turned my neck green. You can have it back." I was utterly mortified.

That same year, I attended a sleep over and found that a special hide and seek game was prepared just for me in a cemetary. I hid silently behind a grave only to find that eggs and sugar and who knows what else was being dumped over my head.

My sixth grade year in school was not a happy one. I developed hives and physically induced asthma. I cried a lot and spent a great deal of energy and time on what people did or did not think about me. Why was I not good enough to have a boyfriend like all the other girls? My parents would console me, but I just always felt awckward. My clothes never fit like they did on the other girls and my hair was always this crazy mess.

The one opportunity I did have to kiss a boy was very awckward. I was with the same friend that was dating that cool boy and we were at a basketball court. I liked this other new boy, but I was very shy about it. I was told it was time to go behind a building and kiss him, so I marched right back and stood in one place. I was not ready at all, but I puckered up. I remember him trying to move his lips under mine, but I was having none of that. I just kept thinking that I needed to keep my mouth closed and puckered. After that kiss, I realized I was not ready for boys. Why had I been pushed into this world that I just was not ready for?

I do not think I am alone in my experience. I had very loving parents and a great home life. However, why do so many girls and women go through these trying times and how do we protect our daughters going forward?

I have read many books on the subject of the issues girls face trying to work through some of my questions about my childhood, and I have come away with some important pointers and suggestions. Some great books to read would include: Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons and Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and the New Realities of a Girls World by Rosalind Wiseman.

Alison's 11 Pointers for Keeping Your Daughter Interested in Acting Her Age:
1) Make sure your daughter is involved with activities that get her up and active. Sports help girls develop a sense of belonging, keep them active, and they certainly teach girls about winning and losing. We need to learn that we will do both in life. It hurts, but we need to learn how to take it.
2) Get your daughter involved in activities that keep her engaged in math and science. There are many clubs and summer camps that introduce children to a program called STEM. STEM stands for science, technology, engineering, and math. We must keep our girls introduced in these types of studies because we want our girls to advance and take on jobs and careers that will make sure they are being innovaters and getting paid a decent wage. (This subject will definintely come up in another blog!)
3) Use teachable moments to talk to your daughter about sex and boys. Girls are learning at a very young age about sex and it is usually from a friend. You want your daughter to feel comfortable talking to you about these issues. If you are watching a television show and someone is talking about it, use it as a platform to ask your daughter how she feels about it or what she knows. Turn the television off and have the conversation. There has to be an open dialogue, so your daughter will feel comfortable coming to you when she really has a big question. If you never have any type of conversation, your daughter will spend her adolescence hearing half truths and making assumptions. You don't want your daughter to do that at all!
4) Teach your daughter about boundaries. There are all kind of boundaries such as physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual. There are many books on introducing boundaries, but letting her know that she has a right to not let someone else affect her and that she has control over that is important.
5) Get your daughter out in nature as much as you can. Spend time as a family bike riding, camping, fishing, boating, hiking in the woods, or just taking a walk down the street. Our world is so concrete and rigid. The outdoors reminds us of our natural state. It reminds us of all the good in the world and we how we can continue to explore it. It builds character and memories and it allows for girls to continue to play and get dirty again. Our little girls need to remain little girls.
6) Set boundaries with, when, and where your daughter will go. It is your job to know if the parents are home or what activity she is going to be doing. Do not be afraid to say no. She might be upset for while, but someday when she is 30 years old, she will thank you for it.
7) Talk to your daughter about her life and her friendships. Help her talk through the drama and introduce her to the part of life that is not filled with drama. Introduce her to something new.
8) Do something with your daughter every week that is engaging. You can have a reading date with your daughter and share an interesting book with her and talk about it. You can take her to a new place in your community and introduce her to new ideas. Let her know that the school drama is only a small part of the world. There is so much out there for her to do!
9) Get your daughter engaged in thinking about her future at very young age. Get her into after school programs or summer camps, which will allow her to have new experiences and visit college campuses. Share many outstanding role models with her that are women. She needs to know that she can be and do anything!
10) This is the most important. You must tell your daughter that you love her everyday and that she can be anything she wants to be in life. Show her the way!
11) The final suggestion is one that I believe with all of my heart. We must engage our youth in community service and allow them to give back to others. This type of civic engagement teaches our children to be humble and to lose the "me" attitude. Doing something together as a family will also bring you closer together. We forget about our own worries when we help someone else because we realize that life has been good to us.

The Balanced Woman

I have often asked myself what it means to grow up a girl and become a woman. The issues we face, the transitions that occur, the stages of growing up, and challenges we overcome.  I have often felt alone in a room full of people and sometimes even more alone in a room full of women. I am not sure why. I know we face similar issues, transitions, and challenges. Why are we silent when so many of us are screaming inside?

The balanced woman will be a blog that will allow woman to read stories and information about the challendges we all face and spend time reflecting. It will also provide advice from my life experiences. My ultimate goal is to bring women together and to find solutions or at least a travelers guide to navigating what we all experience in life.

I think girls and women have many different faces. We are forced to wear some faces because of society, some to cover up our true feelings, and others when we are truly ourselves. I want to discover what it means to face life head on as a girl and woman and come out on the other side happy and fulfilled. I honestly do not think that many of us are truly happy. There are moments of happiness, but we put on a face when things are not going right. I just know that I can't be the only one that feels this way.

The balanced woman is an attempt to reach for the stars and for what we want most in life. Let's talk about the issues and live our best life.